So I thought I’d make this blog to explain some of the reality of my
work, and some of the questions I get, and hopefully dispel some of the
myths and stigma about the industry.
Tell us about a day in the life of a stranglewank hitman.
First of all, we prefer the term “extreme breath play specialist”. I use that name on this blog because that’s often how people who aren’t aware of the politically correct language find me, they search for “stranglewank hitman”, so I hope I can change that.
Basically, what happens is the client calls me up and tells me who the target is. We arrange a mutually suitable time, and then I break into the target’s house and choke them to death. Then I arrange the body to make it look like they died during an auto-erotic asphyxiation misadventure. That’s basically it.
How much do you charge?
I charge the standard London
rates, which is £10,000 per kill. Half before, and half after the job is
complete. The reason I ask for so much of the money upfront is that it
can sometimes involve extra expenses on my part, and the client doesn’t
want to know the details, so for example I may have to spend a bit on
some pure heroin to inject the target.
What do you wear at work?
I have a few nice pinstriped suits – my targets tend to be rich men in respectable neighbourhoods, so I have to blend in. Latex gloves are a must, I can’t leave fingerprints or their wives get suspicious.
Were you forced into your job?
No, and that’s a really pervasive and offensive myth. I do what I do because I really like murdering rich old men and I thought I may as well get paid for it. Sure, the UN says there are a lot of “child soldiers”, but if they don’t like it, why don’t they just get a different job? Or if they want people to listen to them, why don’t they start a blog too and do an interview with Vice?
Do you work for a crime syndicate?
I’m actually freelance. I sometimes get subcontracted by governments or organised crime organisations but I’m my own boss.
What’s the biggest challenge you face in your job?
I would have to say SKERFs, or “serial killer exclusionary radical feminists”. They keep saying all this stuff, like “you can’t give consent to extreme violence”, “you’re privileged compared to most sex workers” and “murder is bad”, and it really muddies the issue and stigmatises my work. I hear these feminists have a really big influence on crime lords, so it’s a very difficult issue.
There are some other challenges of course, like the targets usually try to fight back, and often my clients try to avoid paying me or they try to silence me afterwards – this one time I got shot in the leg by an MI5 agent and had to drag myself out of a second-storey window with my hands. Fortunately, I know a surgeon who was struck off for drinking on the job who now has a surgery in an old shipping container, and he fixed me up, no questions asked.
But yes, the biggest problem is definitely feminists.
What do you like most about your job?
I get to meet lots of really interesting men! There’s a myth that our clients are all violent psychopaths, but sometimes they can be really nice. Lots of them only hire me because they don’t want to murder someone themselves, I think that says a lot about their humanity and how sweet and sensitive they are.
What’s the weirdest thing a client has ever requested?
One client asked me to use nylon stockings. It was a bit weird, but it’s actually a really good idea – they’re stretchy, so it was harder for him to get it off his neck, and it made a more convincing crime scene afterwards. I’ve never looked back.
What do you think is the future of the industry?
Well, we’re experiencing something of a boom right now. These days a lot of upper-class men are genuinely into recreational pain play and extreme bondage, and they even brag about how much they like beating up women and choking themselves, so it’s getting easier to convince people that it wasn’t murder. You don’t have to put as much effort in as you used to. I still take pride in my work, but it’s always nice to have less pressure on you.
Anyway, I hope this has been enlightening and educational!
Stranglewank Hitman 