Author: Stranglewank Hitman

Empowered, independent, high-class wet worker specialising in extreme breath play. Identity-fluid, pronouns he/him. #WetWorkIsWork

Most of the extreme BDSM specialists in my area charge quite low prices, and I’m not sure I’m ready to put myself in a potentially lethal situation and take a human life for so little money. What should I do?

I’m afraid that’s just how the market works, sweety. It’s a free country, if you don’t like it, move to Stalinist Russia, and take that arsebadger Dmitry with you while you’re at it. You could join a sex workers’ union if you like, but those are mostly for managers and agencies, you’d have to self-crit for appropriating their union from them.

If you really want to charge higher prices (IDK, like if you need to pay your rent or feed your children or something), I’d suggest carving out a niche for yourself. Do a few pro bono kills for exposure, put yourself out there. Have a calling card or signature of some kind, the tabloids love that. Hopefully they’ll sensationalise it all and give you a cool nickname, and that really does all the advertising for you. You just have to take your chances and hope they don’t give you a crap name like “Pub Harpy”.

hi, I’m thinking about becoming a cleaner, i’ve read alot of stuff on it but I’m still nervous. Do you have any advice?

For a start, we don’t call ourselves “cleaners”. Cleaning really IS a degrading and dehumanising job! Imagine having to clean for money, that’s even worse than having to make coffee. I can’t believe people actually live like that. Sometimes if I need to get into a secure building, I have to club one of the cleaners unconscious, dress in his/her/xir tabard and just walk right in, pushing their trolley around (which is also a good place to hide any drugs and weapons I’m going to use on the job), but I always feel super gross afterwards.

So anyway, if you want to become an assassin, it’s not so difficult to break into the industry. Personally, I made my initial connections at university (Carradine College, Oxford, if you’re interested). I joined various esoteric societies and clubs and made contact with a lot of important people, including agency executives.
I work in the private sector, but some of my fellow alumni were scouted by MI5.

Networking mostly involved burning £50 notes in front of homeless people, and schmoozing potential employers over a lot of wine and cocaine (really I’m a gin man, but you have to make some sacrifices). There’s no reason you couldn’t do the same.

Though if you really can’t do that, for whatever reason, I suppose you could join a street gang and do a few stabbings and work your way up.

I’ve been getting quite a few questions like these, so I’ll put these in the #hitbabies tag, for people starting out in the sexual violence industry, so you can find them easily.

Screwdriver Smith sent me a letter in the snail mail today! (see first pic) I like it, it’s a bit retro and edgy.

I’ve put some effort into doing a nice reply to him. (see second pic) What do we think? I used some glitter and flowers and cute stickers to queer gender norms, and therefore be subversive and progressive and empowering. Yes, I am a heterosexual male who put some glitter on a piece of paper, and that’s completely okay!
🏳️‍🌈

Debunking some myths about my clients

It’s an unfortunate and very offensive stereotype that all our clients are exactly the same. They’re #NotAll Mafia bosses or politicians. In fact I’ll give you some examples, while trying to maintain their anonymity and confidentiality. In the last few months, I’ve been hired by:

Businessmen
Congressmen
Salarymen
Lords
Barons
Sheikhs
Princes
Husbands
Fathers
Grandfathers
Godfathers
Drug kingpins
Warlords

all from a wide and diverse range of backgrounds. My clients are from all different races, religions and national origins. I challenge you to think of ONE THING all these rich men have in common.

You can’t do it, because there is nothing – these rich men are all completely different and you cannot profile them. So stop trying to doxx them and stop them from hiring me, you horrible SKERFs and law enforcement. Leave them to plan murders in peace!

SCREWDRIVER 👏 SMITH 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 MY 👏 HANDLER

okay I need to clear up some rumours real quick. Screwdriver Smith is not my handler. I don’t have a handler, and that term is offensive anyway – we call them “managers”, or “agencies”.

He is my FRIEND.

Screwdriver Smith is my

F
R
I
E
N
D

Y’all have some really normative ideas about friendship.

Just last week, I was walking home, and Screwdriver Smith was passing and he was kind enough to offer me a lift in his van. He drove me out to this abandoned warehouse and said, “Gaspar, I’m in real trouble, I’ve got one last job for you, you’d do that for a mate, wouldn’t you?”
And I said, “Screws, you said that last time, bro”
and he said “Yeah, but this really is the last time,”
and I said “You said that last time and all,”
and he said “Listen, you grotty little scrote, they don’t call us Screwdriver Smith for nothing, you do the fucking job”.

Anyway, I said “of course, whatever”, and after that he drove me back to my place and we hung out for a bit and had a nice drink (courtesy of Dmitry, he thinks I don’t know about his liquor stash XD ) and then he stayed over (friends don’t let friends drive drunk). I offered to sleep on the sofa in case he wanted the bed, but he said it was okay, which was nice of him. I don’t think he sleeps anyway.

If you think that two guys can’t have a friendship like that, and think it’s “weird” or “coercive” or “creepy”, you need to stop right there and self-crit. ALL FRIENDSHIPS ARE HEALTHY.

He even sent me some bullets in the post the other day as a present! I was a little hurt that he apparently forgot that I’m a strangler, and the only gun I own is a .22 and these were .50s, but it’s the thought that counts. :3

Thank you for your support, Aslef, we tried u_u

I feel so disappointed today. A train drivers’ union, Aslef, proposed a motion to the TUC to decriminalise the sexual violence industry, and the TUC rejected it:


TUC CONGRESS gave an overwhelming thumbs down to the decriminalisation
of prostitution yesterday in an impassioned debate over a motion put
forward by train drivers’ union Aslef.

I just do not have the spoons to deal with this right now (I thought I had some spoons left over from cooking heroin to stage an “accidental” drug overdose, but I forgot about the ones I used for an eye-gouging last week, which are in the dishwasher). I cannot believe the TUC would be so intolerant.

Moving the motion, which called upon the TUC to support the New Zealand
model of full decriminalisation, Aslef assistant general secretary Simon Weller said: “Decriminalisation was introduced in New Zealand in 2003, with verifiable success.”

Well said! The verifiable success is all in the data:

Acts intended to cause injury, sexual assault and related offences, abduction, and offences against the person, all hugely increased, even despite crimes overall decreasing slightly – which is great news for go-getting, entrepreneurial types like me! The market is clearly growing for us contractors, they’re going to need to outsource it at some point.

(Chart from here, warning, it’s some kind of extremist SKERF site but ironically they prove my point: https://nordicmodelnow.org/2016/08/11/meme-about-new-zealand-since-the-full-decriminalisation-of-the-sex-trade/ Stats here: http://nzdotstat.stats.govt.nz/wbos/Index.aspx?DataSetCode=TABLECODE7407 )

anyway back to the article:

He argued that adopting of the model would also help to “free up police time.” 

Can’t argue with that – it would certainly free up their time if the police stopped investigating my work. It’d save me time as well, because I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving fingerprints or making the scene look like a convincing choke-’n’-stroke, it’s win-win. Literally nobody is disadvantaged by this. Except the target, of course, but assassinations are an inevitability, murder has been around since the dawn of time, killing someone and taking their stuff is the oldest profession. You may as well regulate the industry instead of wasting police time on trying to prosecute us.

 
[some random SKERF] said that Crown Prosecution Service “guidance says that it is not
illegal to sell sex in a brothel. What is illegal is to manage or
control others working in a brothel.”

Okay, listen, sweety – you clearly don’t understand how the sex industry works. It’s not illegal for my targets to get murdered in a sexualised fashion, but it is illegal for me to murder them, and it is also illegal for our clients to hire us. If you criminalise one side of the transaction, you criminalise the entire industry. Is that what you want? I can’t believe these people, it’s not my job to educate them. (it’s my job to do kinky murders – remember, £10k in used notes or into my Swiss bank account, message me for the account number and sort code and give me the target)

“A third of women in the sex industry enter before the age of 18.” And
Ms Harvey pointed out that a common request from sex-purchasers is “give
me the youngest one you’ve got.”

Well, I don’t have experience in any other areas of the sex industry, but assuming that my experience is representative of the whole (and why wouldn’t it be?): the reason we get under-18s involved is they can gain the target’s trust and then let us in to do the actual job. I bet you’ve never even heard of “Léon: The Professional”, you ignorant SKERF.

On the bright side, thank you, Aslef, for advocating for us. I must admit, a train drivers’ union is a very surprising ally to the extreme breath play specialists – what could our industries possibly have in common? But then I remembered, there was that incident a while ago when I pushed a target onto the Central Line. My bad! ^_^;; I didn’t expect him to leave work so early that day, so I had to finish the job on his commute. I honestly did not expect it to make such a mess either. I felt very bad about it and was sure to self-crit afterwards. I will offer a discount by way of an apology. Mr. Weller, you get one free hit on me, just PM me the target’s details. I promise I will stick to my usual method for it too, no trains this time! UwU