Author: Stranglewank Hitman

Empowered, independent, high-class wet worker specialising in extreme breath play. Identity-fluid, pronouns he/him. #WetWorkIsWork

Video leaked #OMG

Somebody has got hold of a video of me doing some of my empowering BDSM sex work (nothing too wild, I was just murdering a commodities magnate with my usual modus operandi) and posted it on some porn sites.

Needless to say, I was surprised, because I thought I’d knocked out all of the CCTV in his office, but apparently someone was recording it and now it’s all over the Internet.

At first I was a bit worried – do I have any control or rights over the video? Will this ruin my career? Does it normalise sexual violence? What does it imply about our culture that videos of sexualised violence are so popular?
But then I stopped to self-crit and really thought about it, and I came to the conclusion: it’s just a harmless fantasy.

I don’t mean it’s a fantasy in the sense of objective material reality (Mr. Secombe is definitely dead), but I mean it’s a fantasy in the mind of the viewer. They might watch this video of me murdering Mr. Secombe, and they imagine themselves in my place, doing the same thing to someone else. And it’s harmless: when they watch it, nobody is actually killed
(except for the original scenario on film, when I actually killed Mr. Secombe)

and arranged into a compromising position post-mortem (again, except for the original). No more harm is done by people watching a recording of me murdering him. In fact, if it helps them to indulge their violent urges, it might even lead to LESS violence, so in many ways, you could argue that the correct, progressive, feminist position to take on this is that this video is a force for good! Otherwise, Mr. Secombe would have died for nothing (except my £10k fee plus the extra £5k I charge for politically exposed persons).

The one issue I have with the video is the title under which it was shared: “HOT XXX GUY-ON-GUY EXTREME BONDAGE CHOKING SNUFF”. This is clearly problematic, because by calling it “guy-on-guy”, they assumed my gender (and the late Mr. Secombe’s). In fact, at the time, I was identifying as a woman –  specifically, a Ms. Sharon Ajiboye, a sales manager whose security swipe card I’d “borrowed” in order to gain access to the building. (Ms. Ajiboye, if you’re reading this, sorry about that! If it’s any consolation, I have returned your card – your home address was on the same server as the camera feeds, so I’ve left it in the top drawer of your bedside table. Hope that’s alright!)

Hi there, Stranglewank Hitman. Your name is awfully long, do you use any shorter pseudonyms?

well, lately I’ve been using Gaspar

Though anonymity and privacy is of the utmost importance – we have to make sure we can’t be traced or followed, and that’s why I never use names or addresses. Except for women who are mean to me on the Internet, and Dmitry Svodnik, penthouse flat, 47 Foucault Road, Kensington, London

What do you think about safe spaces?

I think safe spaces are incredibly exclusionary and I feel very upset and invalidated when feminists tell me they “don’t feel safe” around me and I can’t come inside. If I’ve gone to all the effort of climbing onto the roof, rappelling down the building, disabling the burglar alarm, picking the locks on the window, hacking the keypad on the panic room door and sneaking inside, the least they can do is make me feel welcome.

This morning, I was a little concerned to find my hair was coming out in clumps. Turns out that complete spunktrumpet Dmitry has been putting polonium in my macchiato, “as a joke”. Well, the joke’s on him, because now my hair properly expresses my alternative lifestyle and transgressive identity. So suck on that, SKERFs! Feminism will be inclusive of straight white men with unusual haircuts or it will be bullshit.

In one entry, you said that the term “going straight” (exiting the sexual violence industry) was queerphobic. Do you identify as queer?

Well, I haven’t ever experienced same-sex attraction or homophobia of any kind, but yes, I do identify as queer. Why? Because I do weird kinky murders for a living, and (as I understand it) the LGBT rights movement is all about kinks and sadomasochism, and literally all LGBT people are into that sort of thing, so we have a shared struggle.

It’s really intolerant to exclude me from the queer community that just because I’m heterosexual. Anyway, this one time, that total cockwomble Dmitry said my new balaclava made me look “a bit gay”, so I too have known oppression.

can you please kill my wife, she’s been such a nagging bitch lately

Tarquin, is that you? Friendly reminder, I’m always open to new contracts, but violence against women is not acceptable, unless it’s meant to be fun and sexy (and, no offense, but I am a professional, so I don’t get involved with targets).

…wait, was it you who was telling me your wife was reading Germaine Greer and described her as “quite good”? No problem, the usual 10 grand in unmarked bills and I’ll fucking waste that vile disgusting cunt

I can’t even with these former security workers

Today I feel really sad and offended about some of the things said by other people who have since left the industry. I wish they wouldn’t keep perpetrating these myths about our lifestyle.

Earlier I was cleaning my garrote wire (protip: use bleach first, then polish!) and listening to the news, and I heard a report about the alleged high rates of PTSD in combat veterans and former private security personnel returning from war zones.
First of all, they only talked to “former” personnel – they’re not in the industry any more, so surely they have no right to comment on it.
Secondly, not everyone gets maimed, killed or severely injured, or gets PTSD – personally, I love my job, and by talking about the perceived problems with the industry, these people are erasing and invalidating my experience.

Then they started making all the usual exclusionary, radical points about conscription, child soldiers and “economic coercion” where the only employment is either in the military or with mercenary groups, which again is offensive. There is nothing to stop them from setting up their own small business, or moving to another city or country where they could find a job they’d prefer, you can book plane tickets and apply for start-up loans from your smartphone quite easily. I could have done any of those things, but instead, after I graduated university, I chose to become an extreme breath play specialist. To claim that we didn’t have a real choice is invalidating us and denying our agency! And agencies are very important in this job: before I went freelance I used to work for one and it was perfectly nice until our boss upset some of the local loan sharks and they sent Big Dave round to smash his kneecaps with a clawhammer and made me watch the whole thing. (No hard feelings, Dave! Are we still on for brunch next week? Leave the Black&Decker at home this time, what are you like??? ^_- )

What are your views on the legalisation debate?

I support full legalisation. Most of my clients agree, and so do 100% of other sex workers (well, the ones with popular blogs, anyway). Some feminists say that where legalisation’s been tried, it leads to increases in trafficking, murders and violence, and it makes it harder for people to leave the industry. That’s really two issues, to which I say:

1. Increases in murders and violence. It’s really judgemental and moralistic to talk about an increase in murders like it’s necessarily a bad thing. I think it’s funny how these so-called tolerant feminists ally themselves with religious groups when they say murder is wrong.

2. Leaving the industry. Some former assassins call it “going straight” (which is queerphobic for a start), “building a life for themselves”, “escaping the gangs”, but if they didn’t want to do it, why did they go into it in the first place? And frankly, they shouldn’t have an opinion about the industry if they aren’t in it any more.

Also, it’s ridiculous that it needs to be said, but if you criminalise hiring stranglewank hitmen, only criminals will hire us. Do you think we want to work with mobs and cartels? If contract killings were legalised, then nice law-abiding people would also want to have people killed. Think about it.