The Kink Umbrella

Lately I’ve been self-analysing and considering my identity with a critical lens, and I’m wondering if I could truly be classed as a “kinkster”. The kink umbrella is a broad movement, inclusive of just about everyone with an interest in bondage, domination, submission, sadism, abuse, wife beating or pain play.

But, and here’s the crucial thing: my interest in pain and bondage isn’t sexual. Sure, I enjoy my career, of course, but to me it’s just a job. And it really is a job just like any other: as we say in our industry, “Wet Work Is Work”! ^_^ (Really, my personal preference is pyrophilia, but that’s a story for another time.)

So, my question is, am I valid? Please tell me I’m valid. I mean, I identify as a valid kinkster and I am a queer-identified heterosexual, but is that enough??

elierlick:

I pushed the button.

At last: a movement that prioritises me and my struggle! As a queer-identified, heterosexual man with a penchant for BDSM and an alternative haircut, it’s about time lesbians and gays made room for me.

On many occasions, my identity has been challenged and invalidated (“hey, you’re not my usual driver, wh-aaaarghrghrgh” is one I hear a lot). I’ve been shamed for my “pathological obsession with violence”, my “complete lack of empathy”, and my “celebration and normalisation of violent behaviour”. Let’s just say that that particular lawyer for the prosecution was very problematic, and leave it at that

The point is, queer people such as myself have suffered long. Current attitudes to sexuality almost never involve money or violence, so hitmen like me are very progressive and we transgress cultural norms. Unfortunately, given the nature of our work, we have to be secretive about it and hide our authentic selves. TT_TT So I’m glad I have some allies who are willing to do the work for me, and support me instead of gays and lesbians! ^_^

Some mean, exclusionary gays and lesbians say that my identity is a choice, unlike their sexuality, and that apparently justifies them excluding me and having their own movement all about their rights. Well, it’s not true – I did not choose my interesting, super trendy haircut, Dmitry spiked my macchiato with polonium and it just went like this over the course of a few days. I don’t think the patchy bits are going to grow back. Anyway, Guro and I finally got him back, we stole a load of heroin from Wee Malkie and pinned the blame on Dmitry, so he’s had to move house suddenly and go into hiding! Serves him right! -_-

alexandriasfx:

Bdsm is not abuse

Jessica Ruiz

https://www.verywell.com/difference-between-bdsm-and-abuse-4065395

BDSM, an acronym for “bondage, discipline/dominance, submission, and sadomasochism” is often misunderstood by the general public. One of the most common misconceptions is that BDSM is dangerous, reckless, and abusive. However, when practiced properly, BDSM is very different than intimate partner abuse.

For decades, BDSM practitioners have maintained that kink is safe, satisfying, and can positively affect both a participant’s sexual desires and their well-being. Over the last few years, science has confirmed these claims. Recent studies have uncovered the many health benefits of BDSM. Researchers have found that those who engage in BDSM activities have better mental health, more satisfaction in their relationships, and less stress than their vanilla-sex counterparts.

Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a new study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with rape culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, rape myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety.

Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Abusive behavior should never be part of the BDSM dynamic, but how can we tell the difference?

Consent Differentiates BDSM From Abuse

Consent is the cornerstone of all BDSM activity, and it’s one of the major factors that differentiates it from abuse. Put simply, BDSM is consensual. Abuse is not.

Before each BDSM “scene,“ participants express and negotiate their likes, desires, and limits. This means that all involved in the agreed-upon sex act set specific goals determining what they want to get out of the session—both emotionally and physically. They also discuss what are referred to as “hard and soft limits.” Hard limits are the things you would never engage in, while soft limits are things you might experiment with if and when the time feels right. Playing with the boundaries of soft limits requires deeper negotiation prior to beginning a session.

Pre-scene negotiation can take many forms. Sometimes participants write out a contract detailing what is specifically allowed and forbidden. Others use a simple checklist of activities. They then discuss each item individually, indicating which is a desire or a limit. Others simply have an in-depth conversation about their boundaries.

BDSM Is Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Those involved in BDSM often use the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual” to describe their type of sex play. Any play that is defined as “kink” but doesn’t incorporate the agreed-upon safe, sane and consensual elements may very well be abusive.

Safe means participants have taken precautions to minimize risks. It also means that participants are knowledgeable about the techniques and tools being used, which can eliminate both unwanted fear and dangerous behavior.

Sane indicates that those involved are in a state that allows them to separate fantasy from reality. This also means sobriety; senses and behaviors are not being impaired by the influence of intoxicants. Lastly, it implies refraining from imposing unrealistic expectations on your partner.

Consent means all parties have discussed and agree on boundaries. Equally as important, consent must be on-going. In other words, if an individual wishes to change their mind about any activity during play they can renegotiate at any time.

Communication Is Key.

Clear communication is imperative to practicing healthy BDSM. Safewords are standard fare in this type of play and a major element that differentiates BDSM from abuse. A safeword is a word or phrase that signals that one of the players either wishes to take a break or stop completely. An example of a safeword might be “red,” “banana”—or any other thing you wouldn’t normally say during sex or in the context of a scene. Additionally, if a Submissive is gagged or a Dominant’s hearing is impaired, safe signals can be used instead. This could be a gesture or something the Submissive holds in their hand and drops signaling their wish to pause the scene.

Important Differences Between Abuse and BDSM

Kinky play can involve things like punishment, humiliation, and even tears. This may seem like abuse to an outsider, making it understandably difficult to tell the difference between the two. However, when compared side by side with BDSM, we can see the stark differences.

Abusive episodes are out of control situations. In healthy BDSM, a Dominant never acts spontaneously out of anger. Scenes are pre-planned with care, thought, and with the best interest of the Submissive in mind.

Abusive situations usually end with negative emotions. A BDSM scene is designed to leave the participants feeling good and satisfied when it’s over. It’s a Dominant’s responsibility to give after-care when the session is over to make sure the Submissive feels happy, safe, and secure. In contrast, both the target and the abuser feel sad, angry, or ashamed following an abusive episode.

Abusive situations are often accompanied by substance abuse or emotional impairment. In healthy BDSM, players try to minimize anything that may affect their judgement during play—including the use of drugs or alcohol.

Abuse in BDSM Although recent studies have found those involved in BDSM are less likely to tolerate certain types of abuse, it can still happen. Abusive red flags in a BDSM relationship or scene are very similar to those found in other types of relationships. Some warning behaviors include: ignoring sexual boundaries non-consensual/non-negotiated verbal or physical abuse controlling behavior, including excessive jealousy unpredictable extreme mood swings substance abuse use of ultimatums and fear to control the victim isolating the victim from family and friends a history of abusive behavior with close contacts. If you recognize these or other signs of abuse in your own BDSM encounters, get outside help. If abuse occurs at a public BDSM event, seek out a Designated or Dungeon Monitor (DM). For private play with a new partner, always establish a safe call with a friend. Also, it isn’t unusual for those actively involved in the BDSM community to ask for references from previous partners.

@respectthefemalebody

This makes me feel very happy and validated!
😊

For most of my life, I was “in the closet”, so to speak, about my love of committing sexualised violence. You could say it’s exactly like homosexuals’ experience, or that of someone with a different sexual fetish (one which doesn’t involve assaulting people). The life of an extreme breath play practitioner such as myself is a lonely one, burdened with shame, from my parents, my school masters, the mental health services, the police and the judiciary. Fortunately when I was learning my craft, I had an excellent manager (Sid “The Snake” from Chelsea), and he helped teach me how to make my assassinations look like an auto-erotic asphyxiation gone wrong.

Sometimes, people say mean things to me like “it’s unhealthy to be aroused by committing acts of violence” and “murder is bad” (now, doesn’t that sound a lot like “thou shalt not kill”? Typical pearl-clutching, prudish SKERFs, siding with the religious right!). But what they forget is, it’s just a harmless fantasy. I mean, yes, technically, I do actually choke my targets to death for real, but the fantasy is that we’re pretending that they did it themselves by accident. (And then I sell that fantasy to the police afterwards.)

Besides, suicide is very common and has been practised throughout history – it’s completely healthy and normal to actually want to be subjected to lethal violence! So who are these SKERFs to judge the relationship I have with my clients and my targets? Leave me alone! >_<

Anyway, the OP is not a SKERF, and is a great ally! 🤝 As recognition of your allyship, I will offer you a 20% discount on any future hits – so that brings the price down to £8,000 in used notes or transferred to my Swiss bank account. Just use the Ask box or message me for my bank details and to give me the target’s name (and their photo and last known address if possible, please)!
😉

I am FURIOUS about being excluded from the London queer scene. Earlier, I fancied leaving my flat to drink for a change, and (since I’m meant to be keeping a low profile after the recent incident with the ambassador and the thumbscrews) I decided to try a new drinking den instead of my usual elite clubs.
So naturally, being an identity-fluid kinkster, I headed for the nearest queer bar. Except it was apparently only for those intolerant, mean gay men (and, even worse, lesbians). No sooner had I started chatting about my work and my lust for violence than they ejected me from the premises!
How rude. There’s gratitude for you, eh? Violent heterosexual men with weird fetishes BUILT this community. Look it up, the great men of London were into all kinds of shit. I won’t provide sources, but I know for a FACT that Brunel was a sado-masochist switch.

rileyjaydennis:

Setting up a sex swing & inflatable dildo thing

🍆

I love the harness!
😍

Lots of mean old AFABs call me “creepy” or “skeevy” or a “homicidal fucking psychopath” (an ableist slur, bt-dubs) just because I get off on restraining, assaulting and then murdering people. I always enjoyed having power over victims since I was a boy, killing ants in the back garden with a magnifying glass, and tying up the neighbours’ cat. “Do what you love”, the mercifully open-minded careers advisor at my alma mater (Carradine College, Oxford) said to me, and so I became a hitman.
And as shown here, restraining and disabling someone’s limbs so you can give them a “hard pounding” (I assume they mean with a hammer, tactical baton or improvised weapon) is a natural, healthy, fun thing to do! Look, it’s presented right alongside boring old toys for “genital stimulation” (apparently some people like that? 🤷‍♂️).

So stop judging me for getting off on violence. It’s anti-feminist (Everyday Feminism says so), and it makes me feel sad and left out. Harnesses and restraints are a great idea, especially for people new to the industry who are still working on their quick kill techniques. What a great idea for any #hitbabies out there! UwU

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

Let me into your spaces

I’m so done with fake queers (eg gays, lesbians) policing my queer identity. I’m NOT GAY (louder for the people at the back! also hello ladies 😉 ) but I am just as valid as any other queer (that’s why I’m allowed to say that word). What could possibly be queerer than a kinky violent straight man with an edgy haircut? Answer me that one!
Please let ickle heterosexual me into your spaces. Sometimes I need a safehouse and I cba setting up my own. Plus, I need to get into my targets’ spaces to do my job, and I’m not as good at breaking locks as I used to be. Not without a stiff gin anyway.

It’s 2017 and I’m STILL having to explain my work

So my old Yakuza friend Guro Kagaisha was in town to launder some money through the London property market. So we met up and went for a drink, and he said, “Hey Gaspar, remind me what it is you do again?”
“Well, Guro,” said I, “I’m a sex worker specialising in extreme breath play.”
“Oh, yeah, I remember now, you’re a stranglewank hitman,” said he, not very politically correctly, I might add. “So, let me ask you this: do you guys actually give the target a handbeezy or just make it look like you did?”

I was seriously grumpy at that point. It is not my job to educate Guro or anybody, but on this one occasion I said, “buy me a treble Langley’s and a packet of sea salt and balsamic vinegar Kettle Chips and I shall consider doing the emotional labour for you”.

Anyway, as I said to Guro after he’d bought me the required compensation for my emotional labour: I do not “actually give the target a handbeezy”, no. Nor do I make it look as though I did. I choke the target to death, and then I make it look as though the target did it to himself/herself/xorself by accident during a sexual misadventure. The only sexual aspect to it is when I arrange the body post-mortem and put the corpse’s own hand down his/her/xer chinos.

“So,” said Guro, taking a sip of his whisky, “you don’t really do any sex shit then?”
“No, Guro, I do not really do any sex shit,” I sighed.
“So you’re not a sex worker, then, are you?”

Well, I had had just about enough of his gatekeeping, invalidating bullshit by then. How dare he challenge my status as a sex worker?

I AM a sex worker. Sure, I’m not actually selling sex or exposing myself in any way, but what I am selling is the fantasy of erotic asphyxiation. I sell that fantasy to the target’s contacts, and to the police. And that gives me an interest in the industry and the right to speak over people who don’t have inside knowledge about the industry (e.g. former sex workers, survivors, trafficking victims who aren’t involved in it any more and hence have no stake in the issue whatsoever, people still in the industry who don’t want to be there, and people who disagree with me about full legalisation of the sexual violence industry).

Anyway, fortunately, Guro is very good at self-crit. When he was a hitbaby and made a mistake on a job, he even cut off bits of his fingers as part of his self-critting for his boss! What a great ally! ^_^ So he said a big sorry to me and we hung around outside Bank-Monument station for a bit, where he bought me a few grams of coke as compensation for hurting my feelings and invalidating my identity.

So now we’re friends again! 🙂 We’re going to spend the rest of his visit buying houses, planning how to get revenge on Dmitry for poisoning me with polonium (even if it did result in my super edgy new trendsetting fashionqueering haircut), and I’ll introduce him to my pet pigs. Should be a nice relaxing week.

liberal-lesbophobia:

“mom, dad… I’m not non-queer”

What makes this article problematic is that it perpetuates the queer/heterosexual binary. I’m heterosexual, and I identify as queer! The reason is, I’m a sex worker, I do sadistic kinky murders for a living, and sex work, kink and BDSM are inherently queer (and therefore I’m allowed to say that word). Our mainstream, Western cultural view of sexuality hardly ever involves violence or money, and therefore by bucking those trends, I am queer.

At least that’s how I understand it.
😕

I don’t know if homosexual or bisexual people’s lives entirely revolve around fetishizing violence,
but mine certainly does, so if doesn’t centre it, then it’s excluding me, and that’s clearly wrong for so many reasons.

Apart from that, I entirely agree with the article. I’m not non-queer; I am a brave, beautiful, straight man who likes to kill people and make it look like an auto-erotic asphyxiation, and I am proud to be myself!
😊

I’m a little late for Throwback Thursday, but I found this old picture in a disused lock-up owned by my former manager and thought I’d share it with y’all.
This is me when I’d just started in the sexualised violence industry, back when I was just a little hitbaby! ^_^

There’s a funny story behind this: one of our clients sent some nylon stockings to the agency, with the intention of us using them to strangle the target. Except when my manager told me to “use them on the job”, I got the wrong idea! -_-;;

We all make mistakes when we’re new to the industry. It doesn’t fool the security cameras anyway, so if you’re going to use stockings, don’t do what I did. But on the plus side, now it means y’all get to see some sexy pictures of me wearing stockings, so please enjoy 😉

DO. NOT. BE. ASHAMED. OF. YOUR.FETISH.

yourenotafeminist:

As long as everyone is willing and happy don’t be ashamed.

If you like bdsm that’s okay!
If you like furries that’s okay!
If you like fictional girls that’s okay!

Your kinks are your kinks and that’s okay! Everyone is different and we shouldn’t be ashamed! And don’t feel ashamed! It’s dumb to be ashamed of your fetishes. Fetishes as long as they aren’t hurting anyone are a-ok!

This is really validating and lovely to see!
Though I feel I should add that, actually, even hurting people is okay! As the OP says, if you like BDSM, which often includes pain play (and breath play like my work), then that’s okay.

For most of my life, I was shamed for my extreme BDSM breath play sex work by the police and the judiciary, so it makes me happy to see acceptance. Fortunately I was never convicted, I was working for an agency at the time and my manager Sid “The Snake” visited all the members of the jury at home and convinced them of my innocence.

Thank-you for your allyship!! ^_^