alexandriasfx:

Bdsm is not abuse

Jessica Ruiz

https://www.verywell.com/difference-between-bdsm-and-abuse-4065395

BDSM, an acronym for “bondage, discipline/dominance, submission, and sadomasochism” is often misunderstood by the general public. One of the most common misconceptions is that BDSM is dangerous, reckless, and abusive. However, when practiced properly, BDSM is very different than intimate partner abuse.

For decades, BDSM practitioners have maintained that kink is safe, satisfying, and can positively affect both a participant’s sexual desires and their well-being. Over the last few years, science has confirmed these claims. Recent studies have uncovered the many health benefits of BDSM. Researchers have found that those who engage in BDSM activities have better mental health, more satisfaction in their relationships, and less stress than their vanilla-sex counterparts.

Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a new study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with rape culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, rape myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety.

Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Abusive behavior should never be part of the BDSM dynamic, but how can we tell the difference?   

Consent Differentiates BDSM From Abuse

Consent is the cornerstone of all BDSM activity, and it’s one of the major factors that differentiates it from abuse. Put simply, BDSM is consensual. Abuse is not.

Before each BDSM “scene,“ participants express and negotiate their likes, desires, and limits. This means that all involved in the agreed-upon sex act set specific goals determining what they want to get out of the session—both emotionally and physically. They also discuss what are referred to as “hard and soft limits.” Hard limits are the things you would never engage in, while soft limits are things you might experiment with if and when the time feels right. Playing with the boundaries of soft limits requires deeper negotiation prior to beginning a session. 

Pre-scene negotiation can take many forms. Sometimes participants write out a contract detailing what is specifically allowed and forbidden. Others use a simple checklist of activities. They then discuss each item individually, indicating which is a desire or a limit. Others simply have an in-depth conversation about their boundaries.

BDSM Is Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Those involved in BDSM often use the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual” to describe their type of sex play. Any play that is defined as “kink” but doesn’t incorporate the agreed-upon safe, sane and consensual elements may very well be abusive.

Safe means participants have taken precautions to minimize risks. It also means that participants are knowledgeable about the techniques and tools being used, which can eliminate both unwanted fear and dangerous behavior.

Sane indicates that those involved are in a state that allows them to separate fantasy from reality. This also means sobriety; senses and behaviors are not being impaired by the influence of intoxicants. Lastly, it implies refraining from imposing unrealistic expectations on your partner.

Consent means all parties have discussed and agree on boundaries. Equally as important, consent must be on-going. In other words, if an individual wishes to change their mind about any activity during play they can renegotiate at any time.

Communication Is Key.

Clear communication is imperative to practicing healthy BDSM. Safewords are standard fare in this type of play and a major element that differentiates BDSM from abuse. A safeword is a word or phrase that signals that one of the players either wishes to take a break or stop completely. An example of a safeword might be “red,” “banana”—or any other thing you wouldn’t normally say during sex or in the context of a scene. Additionally, if a Submissive is gagged or a Dominant’s hearing is impaired, safe signals can be used instead. This could be a gesture or something the Submissive holds in their hand and drops signaling their wish to pause the scene.

Important Differences Between Abuse and BDSM

Kinky play can involve things like punishment, humiliation, and even tears. This may seem like abuse to an outsider, making it understandably difficult to tell the difference between the two. However, when compared side by side with BDSM, we can see the stark differences.

Abusive episodes are out of control situations. In healthy BDSM, a Dominant never acts spontaneously out of anger. Scenes are pre-planned with care, thought, and with the best interest of the Submissive in mind.

Abusive situations usually end with negative emotions. A BDSM scene is designed to leave the participants feeling good and satisfied when it’s over. It’s a Dominant’s responsibility to give after-care when the session is over to make sure the Submissive feels happy, safe, and secure. In contrast, both the target and the abuser feel sad, angry, or ashamed following an abusive episode.

Abusive situations are often accompanied by substance abuse or emotional impairment. In healthy BDSM, players try to minimize anything that may affect their judgement during play—including the use of drugs or alcohol.

Abuse in BDSM Although recent studies have found those involved in BDSM are less likely to tolerate certain types of abuse, it can still happen. Abusive red flags in a BDSM relationship or scene are very similar to those found in other types of relationships. Some warning behaviors include: ignoring sexual boundaries non-consensual/non-negotiated verbal or physical abuse controlling behavior, including excessive jealousy unpredictable extreme mood swings substance abuse use of ultimatums and fear to control the victim isolating the victim from family and friends a history of abusive behavior with close contacts. If you recognize these or other signs of abuse in your own BDSM encounters, get outside help. If abuse occurs at a public BDSM event, seek out a Designated or Dungeon Monitor (DM). For private play with a new partner, always establish a safe call with a friend. Also, it isn’t unusual for those actively involved in the BDSM community to ask for references from previous partners.

@respectthefemalebody

This makes me feel very happy and validated!
😊

For most of my life, I was “in the closet”, so to speak, about my love of committing sexualised violence. You could say it’s exactly like homosexuals’ experience, or that of someone with a different sexual fetish (one which doesn’t involve assaulting people). The life of an extreme breath play practitioner such as myself is a lonely one, burdened with shame, from my parents, my school masters, the mental health services, the police and the judiciary. Fortunately when I was learning my craft, I had an excellent manager (Sid “The Snake” from Chelsea), and he helped teach me how to make my assassinations look like an auto-erotic asphyxiation gone wrong.

Sometimes, people say mean things to me like “it’s unhealthy to be aroused by committing acts of violence” and “murder is bad” (now, doesn’t that sound a lot like “thou shalt not kill”? Typical pearl-clutching, prudish SKERFs, siding with the religious right!). But what they forget is, it’s just a harmless fantasy. I mean, yes, technically, I do actually choke my targets to death for real, but the fantasy is that we’re pretending that they did it themselves by accident. (And then I sell that fantasy to the police afterwards.)

Besides, suicide is very common and has been practised throughout history – it’s completely healthy and normal to actually want to be subjected to lethal violence! So who are these SKERFs to judge the relationship I have with my clients and my targets? Leave me alone!  >_<

Anyway, the OP is not a SKERF, and is a great ally! 🤝  As recognition of your allyship, I will offer you a 20% discount on any future hits – so that brings the price down to £8,000 in used notes or transferred to my Swiss bank account. Just use the Ask box or message me for my bank details and to give me the target’s name (and their photo and last known address if possible, please)!
😉